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THE BICYCLERS AND THREE OTHER FARCES

Contents:
   The Bicyclers
   ADramatic Evening
   The Fatal Message
   AProposal Under Difficulties

THE BICYCLERS

CHARACTERS:

MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, an expert.
MR. JACK BARLOW, another.
MR.THADDEUS PERKINS, a beginner.
MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, a scoffer.
MRS.THADDEUS PERKINS, a resistant.
MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, anenthusiast.
JENNIE, a maid.

The scene is laid in the drawing-room of Mr. and Mrs.Thaddeus Perkins, at No. --- Gramercy Square.  It islate October; the action begins at 8.30 o’clock on a moonlightevening.  The curtain rising discloses Mr. andMrs. Perkins sitting together.  At right is large windowfacing on square.  At rear is entrance to drawing-room. Leaning against doorway is a safety bicycle.  Perkinsis clad in bicycle garb.

Perkins.  Well, Bess, I’m in for it now, and nomistake.  Bob and Jack are coming to-night to give me my firstlesson in biking.

Mrs. Perkins.  I’m very glad of it, Thaddeus. I think it will do you a world of good.  You’ve been workingtoo hard of late, and you need relaxation.

Perkins (doubtfully).  I know that—but—fromwhat I can gather, learning to ride a wheel isn’t the most restfulthing in the world.  There’s a good deal of lying down aboutit; but it comes with too great suddenness; that is, so Charlie Cheeseboroughsays.  He learned up at the Academy, and he told me that he spentmost of his time making dents in the floor with his head.

Mrs. Perkins.  Well, I heard differently.  EmmaBradley learned there at the same time he did, and she said he spentmost of his time making dents in the floor with other people’sheads.  Why, really, he drove all the ladies to wearing those odiousPsyche knots.  The time he ran into Emma, if she hadn’t wornher back hair that way she’d have fractured her skull.

Perkins.  Ha, ha!  They all tell the same story. Barlow said he always wore a beaver hat while Cheeseborough was on thefloor, so that if Charlie ran into him and he took a header his brainwouldn’t suffer.

Mrs. Perkins.  Nevertheless, Mr. Cheeseborough learnedmore quickly than any one else in the class.

Perkins.  So Barlow said—because he wasn’teternally in his own way, as he was in every one else’s. (A ring is heard at the front door.)  Ah! I guess that’sBob and Jack.

Enter Jennie.

Jennie.  Mr. Bradley, ma’am.

Perkins.  Bradley?  Wonder what the deuce he’scome for?  He’ll guy the life out of me.  (EnterBradley.  He wears a dinner coat.)  Ah, Brad, old chap,how are you?  Glad to see you.

Bradley.  Good-evening, Mrs. Perkins.  This youreldest?  [With a nod at Perkins.

Mrs. Perkins.  My eldest?

Bradley.  Yes—judged from his togs it was yourboy.  What!  Can it be?  You!  Thaddeus?

Perkins.  That’s who I am.

Bradley.  When did you go into short trousers?

Perkins (with a feeble laugh, glancing at his clothes). Oh, these—ha, ha!  I’m taking up the bicycle. Even if it weren’t for the exhilaration of riding, it’sa luxury to wear these clothes.  Old flannel shirt, old coat, oldpair of trousers shortened to the knee, and golf stockings.  I’vehad these golf stockings two years, and never had a chance to wear ’emtill now.

B