MASTER OF NONE

BY NEIL GOBLE

Freddy the Fish glanced at thefolded newspaper beside him on thebench. A little one-column headlinecaught his eye:

MYSTERIOUS SIGNALS
FROM OUTER SPACE

"Probably from Cygnus," he said.

Freddy mashed a peanut, poppedthe meat into his mouth, and tossedthe shell to the curb in front of hisbench. He munched and idly watchedtwo sparrows arguing over the discardeddelicacy; the victor flitted tothe head of a statue, let go a triumphantdropping onto the marble nose,and hopped to a nearby branch.

"Serves him right," Freddy said. Heyawned and rubbed the stubble onhis chin. Not yet long enough forscissors, he decided. He pulled hisfeet up on the bench, twisting in aneffort to get comfortable. The sun wasin his eyes, so he reclaimed the discardednewspaper and spread it overhis face. His eyes momentarily focusedon MYSTERIOUS SIGNALSFROM OUTER SPACE, right overhis nose.

"Sure, Cygnus," he muttered, andclosed his eyes and dropped off tosleep.

When he was awakened, it was byan excited hand shaking his shoulderand a panting, "Freddy! Freddy!Lookit the Extra just came out!"

Freddy slowly sat up, ascertainedthe identity of the intruder and thefact that the sun was setting, and said,"Good evening, Willy. Please stoprattling that paper in my face."

"But just read it, Freddy," Willyshrieked, waving the paper so franticallythat Freddy couldn't make outthe big black headline. "'Positivecontact from another planet,' the guywas yellin'. They put out an Extra soI snitched one from the boy. Read itto me, huh, Freddy? I'm dyin' o' curious."

"So give it here and I'll read it foryou. Quit shakin' it or you'll tear itall up," Freddy snorted.

"Read it to me, huh, Freddy," Willysaid, handing over the paper. "I don'tknow no one else that reads so good."

Freddy studied the headline andthe first paragraph silently, then whistledlightly and lowered the paper.

"Y'know, Willy," he said, "the lastthing I read before I dropped off awhile ago was about these signals.But the funny thing is, I'd just assumedthey were from Cygnus."

"What's a Cygnus, Freddy?" Willyasked, still pop-eyed. "A smoke? Adame? Or you mean like from Hunger?"

"Cygnus, my boy," Freddy explainedpatronizingly, "is a constellationwithin which there are two collidinggalaxies. These colliding galaxiesproduce the most powerfulelectromagnetic radiations in theuniverse—an undecillion watts!"

"What's an undecillion?"

"An undecillion is ten raised tothe 36th power," Freddy sighed, fearingthat he wasn't getting throughto Willy.

"No foolin'? What's a watt ...aw, you're pullin' my leg again, Freddy,talkin' riddles. Where'd ya everlearn to talk that way anyhow!"

"Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford,Georgia Tech, Oklahoma. Picked upa little here, a little there," Freddysaid, reflecting on his indiscriminatepast.

"Aw, cut it out, Freddy! C'mon,read it to me. Betcha can't! Where'dya say it was from? Cygnus?"

"Not Cygnus. Ganymede." Freddycleared his throat and rattled thenewspaper authoritatively. "Washington:White House sources declaredtoday that intelligent beingson a Jupiter moon have contacted theUnited States government. While thecontents of the message have beenmade secret, the White House emphasizedthe message was friendly."...