Illustrated by KOSSIN
If it was good enough for your grandfather, forget it ... it ismuch too good for anyone else!
Gramps Ford, his chinresting on his hands, hishands on the crook of hiscane, was staring irascibly at thefive-foot television screen thatdominated the room. On thescreen, a news commentator wassummarizing the day's happenings.Every thirty seconds or so,Gramps would jab the floor withhis cane-tip and shout, "Hell, wedid that a hundred years ago!"
Emerald and Lou, coming infrom the balcony, where they hadbeen seeking that 2185 A.D. rarity—privacy—wereobliged to takeseats in the back row, behindLou's father and mother, brotherand sister-in-law, son and daughter-in-law,grandson and wife,granddaughter and husband,great-grandson and wife, nephewand wife, grandnephew and wife,great-grandniece and husband,great-grandnephew and wife—and,of course, Gramps, who wasin front of everybody. All saveGramps, who was somewhatwithered and bent, seemed, bypre-anti-gerasone standards, tobe about the same age—somewherein their late twenties orearly thirties. Gramps looked olderbecause he had already reached70 when anti-gerasone was invented.He had not aged in the102 years since.
"Meanwhile," the commentatorwas saying, "Council Bluffs,Iowa, was still threatened bystark tragedy. But 200 wearyrescue workers have refused togive up hope, and continue todig in an effort to save ElbertHaggedorn, 183, who has beenwedged for two days in a ..."
"I wish he'd get somethingmore cheerful," Emerald whisperedto Lou.
"Silence!" cried Gramps."Next one shoots off his bigbazoo while the TV's on is gonnafind hisself cut off without a dollar—"his voice suddenly softenedand sweetened—"when theywave that checkered flag at theIndianapolis Speedway, and oldGramps gets ready for the BigTrip Up Yonder."
He sniffed sentimentally, whilehis heirs concentrated desperatelyon not making the slightestsound. For them, the poignancyof the prospective Big Trip hadbeen dulled somewhat, throughhaving been mentioned byGramps about once a day forfifty years.
"Dr. Brainard Keyes Bullard,"continued the commentator,"President of Wyandotte College,said in an address tonight thatmost of the world's ills can betraced to the fact that Man'sknowledge of himself has notkept pace with his knowledge ofthe physical world."
"Hell!" snorted Gramps. "Wesaid that a hundred years ago!"
"In Chicago tonight," the commentatorwent on, "a specialcelebration is taking place in theChicago Lying-in Hospital. Theguest of honor is Lowell W. Hitz,age zero. Hitz, born this morning,is the twenty-five-millionth childto be born in the hospital." Thecommentator faded, and was replacedon the screen by youngHitz, who squalled furiously.
"Hell!" whispered Lou toEmerald. "We said that a hundredyears ago."
"I heard that!" shoutedGramps. He snapped off the televisionset and his petrified descendantsstared silently at thescreen. "You, there, boy—"
"I didn't mean anything by it,sir," said Lou, aged 103.
"Get me my will. You knowwhere it is. You kids all knowwhere it is. Fetch, boy!" Grampssnapped his gnarled fingerssharply.
Lou nodded dully and foundhimself going down the hall,picking his way over bedding toGramps' room, the only privateroom in the Ford apartment.The other rooms were the bathroom,the living room and thewide windowless hallway, whichwas originally intended to serve