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The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Complete Works of
Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne) Part 4
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD PART 4, TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN
(CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE)
With a biographical sketch by Melville D. Landon, "Eli Perkins"
CONTENTS.
PART IV.
TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN.
4.1. On the Steamer.
4.2. The Isthmus.
4.3. Mexico.
4.4. California.
4.5. Washoe.
4.6. Mr. Pepper.
4.7. Horace Greeley's Ride to Placerville.
4.8. To Reese River.
4.9. Great Salt Lake City.
4.10. The Mountain Fever.
4.11. "I am Here."
4.12. Brigham Young.
4.13. A Piece is Spoken.
4.14. The Ball.
4.15. Phelp's Almanac.
4.16. Hurrah for the Road.
4.17. Very Much Married.
4.18. The Revelation of Joseph Smith.
PART IV. TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN.
4.1. ON THE STEAMER.
New York, Oct. 13, 1868.
The steamer Ariel starts for California at noon.
Her decks are crowded with excited passengers, who instantlyundertake to "look after" their trunks and things; and what withour smashing against each other, and the yells of the porters, andthe wails over lost baggage, and the crash of boxes, and the roarof the boilers, we are for the time being about as unhappy a lot ofmaniacs as was ever thrown together.
I am one of them. I am rushing around with a glaring eye in searchof a box.
Great jam, in which I find a sweet young lady, with golden hair,clinging to me fondly, and saying, "Dear George, farewell!"—Discovers her mistake, and disappears.
I should like to be George some more.
Confusion so great that I seek refuge in a stateroom which containsa single lady of forty-five summers, who says, "Base man! leaveme!" I leave her.
By and by we cool down, and become somewhat regulated.
NEXT DAY
When the gong sounds for breakfast we are fairly out on the sea,which runs roughly, and the Ariel rocks wildly. Many of thepassengers are sick, and a young naval officer establishes areputation as a wit by carrying to one of the invalids a plate ofraw salt pork, swimming in cheap molasses. I am not sick; so Iroll round the deck in the most cheerful sea-dog manner.
. . . .
The next day and the next pass by in a serene manner. The wavesare smooth now, and we can all eat and sleep. We might haveenjoyed ourselves very well, I fancy, if the Ariel, whose capacitywas about three hundred and fifty passengers, had not on thisoccasion carried nearly nine hundred, a hundred, at least of whomwere children of an unpleasant age. Captain Semmes captured theAriel once, and it is to be deeply regretted that that thriftybuccaneer hadn't made mince-meat of her, because she is a miserabletub at best, and hasn't much more right to be afloat than a second-hand coffin has. I do not know her proprietor, Mr. C. Vanderbilt.But I